I miss you, but I don't want you back.

I’m heavy with the weight of missing you, my dear,
And I would tell you how but you’re too far away to hear.

 I'm eighteen years old. I graduated last year, knowing all too well that I would not see 90% of my fellow seniors ever again. For the most part, I was fine with it. We grow up, we move on with our lives.

But there are those few people who I know I'll miss. There will be those days when I can't focus on my English paper and wind up staring out the window of my dorm room, absentmindedly thinking about the people who used to mean so much and now are strangers.

I think there are different kinds of missing people. I miss my friends when I'm at college, but I know they're only a phone call away. They'll be ready to get Chickfila at 10pm our first night back. They might be far away, but I can still reach out to them. We've still got each other, and we both know that.

Then, though, there are the people who I lost along the way. There are the ones who used to sit up with me in my basement until 3am and now don't even know where I'm going to college. There are the people who used to ask me for advice about everything going on in their lives and now I don't even know if they still live in that house where we used to watch the stars from the backyard. I miss those people. I miss the friends I lost because of time and growing up. I miss the people I lost track of in the craze of endings and beginnings that took over the past 6 months of my life. I even miss the people who made a voluntary choice to walk out of my life as I held the door open for them.

But I don't want them back. I don't want to clear the air and dust off the memories for round 2. I think we idolize people from our past because it's easy. We don't want to remember the bad parts. There's a reason, though, why people come and go from our lives.

I'm eighteen years old, and I'm not the person I was when I was thirteen or fifteen or seventeen. I'm not the same person I was before I went to college. People grow and change, and we are allowed to decide when someone is no longer healthy for us, no longer supporting us. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. They're just no longer our person. I miss the people I've lost, and I would love to relive those memories, but I wouldn't repeat them now.

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”
 

It's beginning to look a lot like finals everywhere you go.

 The end of the semester is quickly approaching, and finals season is practically closing in around us. I have officially grown tired of wearing flip-flops every time I shower. There is not enough time in the day to finish all of my papers and projects and studying I should be doing. We are running low on snacks in our room (low is a relative term, but I can't eat any more goldfish or saltines so we're practically rationing the remaining ice cream).

Ah, college.

I'm currently sitting in the hallway of a building, waiting to go to English for the second to last time (I have never been quite so excited to be done with a class). I have a presentation tomorrow, an extra credit movie on Thursday night, a final on Friday, a research paper due Monday, a speaking final next Wednesday, and my last anthropology exam next Friday.

Oh, there ain't no rest for the wicked.

The weeks between Thanksgiving and winter break are like a strange and awful purgatory. Everything is due - papers, presentations, teacher evaluations - and there is so much to be done - studying, homework, packing for break. I'm counting down the days until I can collapse on my bed in my room at home and not move for six weeks.

It's all kind of bittersweet, though. My first semester at college has flown by and just as I'm starting to get settled into everything, we're taking a six-week intermission. I'm so excited to go home (hello, home-cooked meals and trustworthy showers) but I will miss my dorm and the people here. I'll miss my roommate and our aDOORable decorations (photo to the right). I mean, I won't miss living in the equivalent of a teenage hotel where no one sleeps and the smell of burnt Easy Mac fills the halls, but the people aren't half bad. It'll be strange not to hear people running up and down the halls at midnight or see everyone hanging out in the floor lounge after classes.

I'm ready to be home, honestly. I miss my parents and my sister; I can't wait to spend Sunday nights watching movies with my mom or taking my younger sister to get frozen yogurt after dinner. It's going to be nice to be home where Wawa is less than five minutes away and I can turn a phone call with my best friend into an impromptu visit.

College is amazing, but home isn't half bad, either.

Friendsgiving.

I think that the holidays put a lot of unnecessary weight on family gatherings.

Don't get me wrong; I love my family. My grandmother's one of the sassiest people I know (think Emily Gilmore from The Gilmore Girls) and my extended relatives are all great. Yet, there's something about having to sit around and force small talk for five hours that just kind of makes you wish things were different.

It's not that I think family gets too much credit; I just think that friends don't get enough. If we're going to be honest, most friendships don't last forever, so I think it's especially important to validate them while they presently exit.

I love my friends with my entire heart. I miss them when I'm at school and cry when I hug them the first night we're back on break. I text them weekly to make sure they're okay. I'm like the overbearing mother you can't decide if you really want. I guess it's true when they say that friends are the family we pick for ourselves, and I love the choices I've made.

College is this crazy time of growing up too quickly and losing track of time between parties and classes and papers and surviving. We forget to text our friends casually and then we're only talking when someone's made out with a boy from our high school and then suddenly, you're not talking at all. You're coming home on break to find out that no one has any clue what half of the group has been up to, because everyone got so swept up in their own lives for the past few months.

It happens, and it's sad.

The whole point of this post is to remind people that we have to hang out with our families. Social standards tell us that, but friends are so often pushed into the background. We've all heard the saying "blood is thicker than water".

In actuality, that saying comes from, "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

It doesn't really matter what is thicker than what, to be honest. What is important, though, is that we remember to spend time with everyone. We need to remember to reach out to people from home while we're gone, people from school while we're home, and family when we're all over.

I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving and a nostalgic Friendsgiving.

Made in the A.M.: A Spiritual Journey

In the spring of my freshman year of high school, One Direction released their first album, Up All Night. I impulsively bought the album on iTunes on the way back from a lacrosse game. I proceeded to jam to it for the next month. I saw them in concert with my friends on a Monday night and skipped my earliest class the next day. Shout out to my mother.


2012 saw their sophomore album, Take Me Home. This is, to put it lightly, their best work. This was during my peak obsession with the band, and I loved every moment of every song. It was an emotional roller coaster. I drove 6 hours with my best friend to see their concert in Pittsburgh. Obviously, we live nowhere near Pittsburgh, but it was so worth it. We had floor seats, I had indisputable eye contact with Louis, and I spent too much on a t-shirt that I lost in the week after. (See photo to the left of how close I was to these boys)

Their next two albums, Midnight Memories and Four, fell into the background of my high school career. I was trying to maintain a very cool persona that did not include boy bands. Midnight Memories had some serious jams that I did not appreciate as much as I should have. Also, that album went from these cute kids who danced around onstage to boys who sang about things like sex and rock and roll. Also, should have appreciated that more. I was such a naive child before Midnight Memories. 

I honestly haven't even listened to most of Four. These boys were putting out albums quicker than I could listen to them.

After Zayn's departure from the band and their impending hiatus, though, I felt a need to indulge the me of four years ago who would have been in tears at the thought of these boys breaking up. Over the first two months of college, I slowly found myself falling back into old habits out of nostalgia, and that unsurprisingly included checking up on One Direction.

So, this morning, my roommate and I got ready to Made in the A.M. Our weeks of impatient waiting were over, and it was wondrous. Over the course of today, I've listened a few times' through and have maintained my composure long enough to review each song, track by track.  I'll be reviewing the deluxe album, because why not go all the way? (Note: I should be working on a paper or socializing with people or doing laundry or anything besides reviewing One Direction, but I've got all weekend for the more important necessities)

Let's do this.

Hey Angel: I like the opening of this one. It sounds kind of mystical, and then more sounds just keep coming in and blending really well. The chorus of this one is catchy but not too lyrically stimulating. Overall, though, it has a nice sound and seems like the kind of song you can jam to while curling your hair (able to sing along without feeling like you need to dance)

Drag Me Down: This was the first single for the album, so I had a fair amount of time to listen to it. It's definitely one of my favorites, though. It's got an edgy rocky vibe to it that I want to head bang to at a concert. The way the bass drops in this song makes my heart flutter.

Perfect: Another single ahead of the album's full release. I love this entire song, from the background instruments to the lyrics to the overall idea. Also, the music video for this song did for me what Midnight Memories attempted. It was a spiritual experience. (I also love it when celebs write songs about each other, so the theory that Harry wrote this about Taylor is adorable and also so fun)

 

 Infinity: This song is a little slower and has a sweeter vibe to it. The beginning makes me want to just kind of sway to it at a high school dance. I love how this song builds into the chorus, and then the lyrics are amazing. Another great aspect of this song is that it really plays up the boys' different vocal strengths and blends them really well.

 End of the Day: The opening of this song paints such a great picture, and it's reminiscent of a completely different time. Then, though, we switch to the chorus, which is a heavy hitter. It's got this pulsing beat that keeps building until it eventually calms down again. I prefer the slower parts; it almost sounds like someone is softly clapping in the background. I like the idea of it. As a whole, it's good but not musically great.

If I Could Fly: My number one pet peeve about this song is that it's not called "For Your Eyes Only" (such a crucial line of the chorus whereas "If I Could Fly" is only in the beginning once). It's the slowest song of the album so far, and besides the one peeve, it's so good. It's a really sweet ballad about opening up to someone who you're finally able to trust. The bridge of this song is amazing, and I love the background strings.

Long Way Down: Excuse me while I sob. This is probably in my top few of the entire album. "I try to forgive you, but I'm strugglin' cause I don't know how" is such a sad lyric and super relevant. This entire song depicts the idea when you want to forgive someone, but you simply can't, and that's one of the worst kinds of sadness. So, yeah, tissues.
 
Never Enough: After "Long Way Down", my heart was not ready for this jam. I want to dance to this at a frat party (which is the sweatier, more crowded version of a safe high school dance). The entire vibe of this song is fun, and my only complaint is the weird hiccup-like noises between some of the verses.

Olivia: This was a particular hit this morning, because my roommate's name is Olivia. Therefore, it's an obvious fave of the album, because I have a second degree connection to 1D. This song is super cute, though, and sounds like something from a Disney Channel movie in which the boy messed up and is trying to serenade Olivia back into his life as he follows her through the halls of their school, occasionally pausing to fall dramatically to his knees.

What a Feeling: Immediately, this sounds more grown up than its predecessor. It's got a stormier feel to it. It's reminiscent of the Backstreet Boys, too. I like that the boys do a lot of singing together on this one. It makes it more cohesive. Also, there's no funny business in the background noise on this one, which is nice.

Love You Goodbye: I mean, there's no denying that this song is about break-up sex. If we look at it, though, as simply a song about not being able to let go of a relationship even though its run its course, it's super relevant. This is one of my favorites of the album just because it's relevant and sweet and sad all at once. I also love how they build up into the chorus with this one.

I Want to Write You a Song: For some reason, the opening reminded me of "Hey There, Delilah". Unimportant, though. The first few verses of this song are cute but kind of lacking in anything worth writing about. I do like the overall tone, though, and the chorus is really soothing. Kind of song you want to listen to while working on homework or napping while pretending not to.

History: Harry sounds amazing. They all sound amazing, to be honest. I like everything about this song, from the melody to their voices to the lyrics, but I don't love any of it. It's a good song, though, and fitting that this is their last album for awhile.

Temporary Fix: This almost sounds like Neon Trees' "Animal", just in the beginning, but it's a good comparison. There's an underlying rock component to this song that makes it such a jam. I want to dance around to this and rock out on air guitar. This song is about a one-night stand but as always, so tastefully done. 

Walking in the Wind: The beginning instrumental reminds me of a Mario game. This song has a similar theme to "Love You Goodbye", but it reminds me more of losing a friend than necessarily a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's cute and sad at the same time. Also, it makes me imagine Harry's hair blowing in the wind, which is nice.

Wolves: The opening makes me think of Charlie Brown. I can't get past it. I like the style of this song and how the verses work together. The chorus is peppy and fun, too. This is a pop song, tastefully done. I want to dance to this in my dorm room, hair flips and all.


A.M.: This one hit me hard, because it reminded me of staying up until three in the morning to talk about life with my best friend from home. As a freshman in college, my life has been made up of goodbyes for the past few months. Between the end of summer and the end of various weekend trips back home, the goodbyes never get easier. This song is a slow tribute to that, and I love it so very much. It's the perfect ending to their album and this part of their career.

Well. There you go. This album is fun and sad and peppy and slow and hard-hitting and bubbly. It's such a change from their first release; they've really grown lyrically and musically. I'm almost proud to be a fan, but I refuse to call myself a directioner. My favorites of the album are "Love You Goodbye", "A.M.", "Long Way Down", and "Infinity".

I recommend listening to the album. I don't know if it's the best of their career, altogether, but it's pretty damn close. They did well without Zayn. It's hard to say if he would have added enough to make a difference. Overall, it was enough to make me a little sad that I couldn't even consider going to their next tour, but they deserve this hiatus.

And I deserve some ice cream after writing up this post.

Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings . . .

I've spent all day working on a presentation and all I really want in life right now is a solid few days at home to do very little besides sleep and eat home-cooked meals. However, I've got another week until I'm home again.

So, I'm spending some time tonight away from homework (my brain can only handle so much for one night) to write about my favorite things and why you should watch/read/listen/love them, too.

TV Show: My current obsession is Reign, a historical drama that airs Friday nights on the CW. The drama is overblown in the best ways, and the love triangles are so juicy. It's really a guilty pleasure kind of show, but it has taught me some random historical facts. Seasons one and two are on Netflix; the third is airing now.

Book: I haven't had time to read in forever, to be honest, but an old favorite of mine that deserves endless love is Amy and Roger's Epic Detour by Morgan Matson. It's such a feel-good book about growing up and moving on from life's worst moments. Also, Matson is an amazing author who crafts equally amazing characters. The book focuses on Amy and Roger's cross-country road trip. While parts are very cliche, it's honestly a good read and has some curveballs. (Also, the receipts and pictures scattered throughout add a very nice middle school aesthetic that I wholeheartedly support)

Movie: I obviously don't get out much so my current movie recommendation is one I watched online a few weeks ago that was surprisingly worth the two hours of my life. Two Night Stand stars Miles Teller and Analeigh Tipton as strangers who wind up snowed in together after what was supposed to be a casual hookup. While the premise was lacking, it was actually decently funny and had an unexpected but also valid plot twist. 

Music: First, do yourself a favor and look up Reign playlists on Spotify, because all of the music from the show is golden. Second, listen to One Direction's new album (it'll be out Friday, but there's already been a few singles released) because it's precious and the boys have come so far since their What Makes You Beautiful days (also, anything related to 1D is a major middle school throwback which I appreciate)

There's a few of my favorites; hopefully, you found something to entertain you the next time you're procrastinating homework!

The 7th Week Itch

I moved into college August 29th, and this past week has, by far, been the roughest one yet. School hit hard this week - I had a speech due on Monday and then a paper due on Tuesday.

And, of course, it's never that simple. I turned in my paper only to have my teacher tell me it wasn't what she wanted and that my only choice was to rewrite it. I spent that night pouring over my notes again, trying to find something I hadn't seen before and trying not to completely collapse under the stress and embarassment.

We get through life's curveballs.

I think the other aspect that made this week particularly rough was that it's Parents' and Family Weekend on campus. I was home last weekend, and it was fantastic, so I didn't expect to feel so disappointed to be spending my time with Italian homework instead of my family. The nostalgia hits so hard, though. I miss my mom's overbearing hugs and my dad's life advice. I miss the fact that my sister is going to her first Homecoming dance tonight, and I'm not there to help her with her hair or zip up her dress.

I miss high school, too. The football games, the school spirit, the never ending love for each other and our class. You think that it lasts forever or that, at the very least, other people will be able to relate to the same struggle in college. I've found, though, that other people just didn't have the same kind of school spirit. Maybe we were lucky because we wanted to debunk the big high school myth: we wanted to matter to each other.

And I know that a lot of people didn't know who I was and that they wouldn't recognize me tomorrow, but it's okay. I had friends who loved me more than I could ever love myself, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

So, I miss the people and places and their weird traditions. I miss how my life used to be, because no matter how great it's becoming, I still worry that the best years have already come and gone.

This is Halloween, everybody make a scene.

(Gif courtesy of the cinematic masterpiece that is Halloweentown)

So, I spent the first twelve years of my life cycling through some very generic Halloween costumes. I was a witch approximately four times, a hippie, a vampire, and then one year, I just wore an all black ensemble that included a tutu.

In college, though, Halloween makes a comeback. Costumes need to be cute, relevant, a little bit sultry, and practical. It's not easy.

I started the hunt for a costume a few weeks ago and played with a few different ideas. I was going to be a vampire (this time with glue on fangs; fancy stuff), but I couldn't find a decent outfit. My next plan was to be an 80's chick for the sole reason that I like the bright make-up and wanted a reason to wear my neon lipstick. Alas, I didn't have the right clothes and didn't want to spend money on a new sports bra bright enough to fit the part.

So, I was losing stamina. I am a poor college student without a car, and Halloween is a week and a half away. Then, though, I saw something online that sparked an idea. And so I introduce my costume for this year . . . Louise from Bob's Burgers.

She's sarcastic and everything I aspire to be in life. Also, her outfit is super simple. I already have a green dress, and my mom has shipped me white bunny ears that I will turn pink with the help of some felt, so I'm pretty much good to go. I'm super excited for this and can't wait to actually go out.

I hope you all have a fantastic Halloween, and maybe you can make use of my costume choice or even my failed ones. Let me know what you're going as; love you all!!

Things I Am Learning

College is fantastic and fun and bittersweet. College is hard and unexpected and unpredictable. College is everything I ever wanted but nothing I ever would have asked for.

I've been at school for two weeks now, and I feel as if I already know more about college than I did in my first few days here. The things that once seemed daunting and unbearable are now achievable, conquerable. Here's my (unfinished) list of things to know before leaving home and while you're at school!

1. College changes people. For as many new people as you're going to meet, there's still this undeniable urge to call your friends from home and tell them to take the next train to visit you. What you come to realize, though, is that it's not that your friends from home don't love you anymore, but everyone is crafting their new life at their own schools. People are becoming who they always wanted to be, and sometimes, those versions are as unfamiliar as the people you met two days ago during a lecture on anthropology. Change is a part of life, and you either accept it or let go. 
2. Your parents will miss you more than they expected, too. While you're out making friends and diving into this new independent life, your parents are living the same lives they've had for the past however many years. Now, though, they've got one extra bedroom and an empty seat at the dinner table. My dad emailed me about a week after I moved in and said, "I just wanted you to know that I think about you constantly and miss you terribly." Cherish your last summer with your parents; make time for them while you're planning your next chapter. Remember to call your family at least twice a week and more, if you can. You've gone eighteen years seeing these people almost every day; don't become a stranger to the people who raised you.
3. The best moments are the unexpected. It's 1:30 (in the morning) on a Sunday night, but there aren't classes the next day, so half of the floor is in the lounge. Someone brought cookies in while another room offered their milk. Glasses and mugs came in pairs from rooms along the hall. Someone starts playing old songs from when we were all in middle school and for a little bit, people who barely know each other are sharing in this moment of bittersweet nostalgia. Don't dismiss the nights like these, because parties can only last for so long, but a night with this kind of feeling can last for so much longer.
4. Join clubs you actually want to be a part of. I feel like, in high school, clubs were this gateway to college. Everyone wanted to seem well-rounded and cultured. We played sports we didn't love in the hopes of one day getting a scholarship and joined clubs to save the world when we really weren't even sure how to save ourselves. In college, sign up for anything and everything that interests you, but do it for you, not for some chance down the road to tell someone how involved you were during your freshman year. You'll have time to network, but how often will you get to host your own radio show on the campus station?
5. Umbrellas are completely necessary. Don't say you'll buy one once you get to school, because you'll forget and then it'll be pouring for so long that you're convinced Noah's built a second ark. Also, check the weather in the morning, and if there is any chance of rain, just bring the darn umbrella. Better safe than sorry, and as always, better dry than soaking wet. 
6. Don't let the small things that seem big bring you down. You will miss your house and your dog. You'll want to spend the night in your best friend's backyard around a bonfire talking about life. You will miss your younger sister who's starting high school without you there to chaperone her. There will be nights when you just stay in bed and work on homework while everyone else seems to be going out or falling in love or finding out who they're supposed to be. Everything in college seems so big and great and amazing, but everyone is terrified of so much more than they'll ever say. Don't worry about that time you got drunk and told the boy who lives one room over that he was cute. Don't let a public speaking class keep you up at night, because you can't think of a single issue you want to get up there and talk about for five minutes. 
7. Take time for yourself and have fun. Remember to breathe. The things that seem daunting now will be familiar in a few weeks. You'll find your way around campus and make friends that you actually like. Spend nights in, if you want to, and don't feel as if you need to constantly be out and about. Remember to do your homework and wash your clothes and keep your side of the room somewhat presentable. Do things that interest you, and stop wasting time with people or events that don't. 

 Like I said, I've only been here for two weeks. I'm a newbie, fresh meat on campus. That said, I hope I can help some other freshman who's sitting in their dorm room on a Saturday night, because they just really didn't feel like going out. Every day is a new day; make the best out of each one and don't let the bad days get you down.

Love you all!






 

Operation College

So, I moved in bright and early Saturday morning! It was super hectic and chaotic, but things moved pretty quickly. Thankfully, my roommate was already moved in (she went early for a separate orientation) so she was able to help me and give some tips. She's super nice, and I'm excited to spend the year hanging out with her in the dorm and between classes.

With the help of poster puddy and many Command strips, I was able to hang decorations in my dorm and really make it feel like home. I have one of the larger dorm styles on campus, so we have lots of space to make it feel almost like a tiny apartment with no private bathroom. We're right in the center of everything, with the elevator and bathroom right across the hall, so we've had fun getting to know people as they pass by.

Besides setting up my room, I've been going to countless orientation events where they force us to socialize and think about the future and who we want to be. It's all been a really good experience, though, and I'm happy with my decision to go to UD. I've already met so many nice people. What everyone says about freshmen is so true: we're all in the same boat, and everyone wants to make friends.

Enough about the cliches and typical yay-college. Here are some pictures of my dorm (hoping they might be useful to anyone who's googling for pictures of Redding Hall next summer like I was a few weeks ago)!!

Btw, Command strips are a no-no, but no one told us until after everything was hung and the damage was literally already done, so they let us keep them up anyway.

Here are some decorations on my wardrobe, including some framed photos and a caricature with my friend.
















On the right is my bed, with my tapestry from society6 on the wall. I've also got two bulletin boards on the wall above my headboard!!
















Here's my desk, with my photo collage and some other DIY stuff! The Eiffel Tower painting is actually from France; a friend brought it back for me this summer!












Our "kitchen" has a fridge, microwave and Keurig, along with plenty of snacks. We got the shelf from Target and the coffee mug to hold the K-cups from a craft store.

Textbooks, Packing, and Goodbyes

College, in theory, is wonderful. I love the idea of setting up my own room with decorations and picking out the perfect color scheme that doesn't have to match the blue walls that came with my current house eight years ago. I can't wait to go get meals with my roommate or spend our nights in, watching Parks&Rec and eating goldfish.

The truth, though, is that there's a lot before those really fun things. I've been saying goodbye to my friends for a solid two weeks now, and it never gets easier. It's just one heart-wrenching hug after another and the same promise to stay in touch. I know that we're all going on to great things and that we'll be home before we know it for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It still sucks, though. This is the part no one tells you about, because as quickly as it happens, it's over. I know, in a week, I'll be at school and things will be so great. Right now, though, it feels like my heart is collapsing in on itself each time I think about not seeing my friends for three months.

I'll be fine, obviously. We always are.

Between the hugs and crying, I still have to function and move towards this college thing. I have to order textbooks that cost approximately way too much. I've finally packed all of my dorm stuff up into nice containers and finished printing out photos for all of the frames I've painted to cover up the thrift store paint jobs. I'm not sure if I have too much stuff or not enough, but I'm pretty happy with everything I'm taking (which includes a fridge with a mini freezer for UD's campus-made ice cream)

So, college, in actuality, is bittersweet. As excited as I am to go, I still want to stay right here where everything is familiar. In honor of my dorm decor and my fantastic friends, here's the collage I'll be using as decoration for the back of my desk.

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way . . ."

Hi, everyone!

I used to have another blog for a decent amount of time, but seeing as I'm about to start my freshman year at the University of Delaware, I decided to revamp things a little.

As someone told me yesterday, college is a clean slate where I can be whoever I want to be. With that promise, I've decided to be the best version of myself possible. Over the course of the next year, I'm hoping to document everything from moving in to finding new friends to coming home only to cry about leaving a few days later.

I'm excited to go, but I'm also terrified. I don't want to say any more goodbyes, and I don't think I'm ready to be on my own. All I know is that, at the end of the road, it's all going to be so worth it. I can't wait for that day.

Wish me luck, and good luck to anyone else going back to school this fall!