Summer.

Time flies when you're having fun (or, you know, working a part-time job and sleeping too much while also somehow being exhausted all of the time).

Summer is bittersweet. I want last summer back, when we were all blind with optimism and naivety and thought that if we just put enough effort in, there was no way we would lose each other. I miss driving around at three in the morning, my fingers on the window edge as the stars passed us by. I want to go back to the nights that turned into mornings, sneaking back inside at 5 in the morning to see my mother getting ready for work and wondering why, oh why, I was up so late.

Life, though, is good. It's just a different type of good, a more mature type of contentment. I've been spending my days working at Old Navy or working on my newest novel at coffee shops. I went out last night and got ice cream with friends, and it felt familiar. It was reminiscent of last summer, back before any of us had any responsibilities. I'm an adult now who spends too much money on clothes and has to fill her tank once a week because she gets lost too damn often.

I've been spending time with a nice boy who says the right things and makes me laugh. Life is simple, and I'm not putting any faith in ordinary things. I've been to the library a few times and have poured my spare time into realistic fiction, breathing life from these fake romances that would never come to life in the real world.

I'm happy in a way that I haven't been for a while. I'm content, at ease with where I am and where I'm going. It doesn't mean I don't miss the way things used to be, though.

2015 was wild.

This time last year, I was trying to figure out where I wanted to go to college. I was talking to a boy simply to waste time. I was looking forward to a long list of big things coming that seemed so far away.

Life is crazy.

I went to Disney World with my best friends on our senior class trip and had the best week of my life. We danced to Trap Queen at 2 in the morning and ate chicken nuggets for a week straight. We hosted a snack night on the pool deck with all of our extra food and made friends with people I forgot we even went to school with. I ate breakfast with Winnie the Pooh and promposed to a boy through a vine that I will forever be proud of.

And then we came home and life went on, too quickly. We went to prom. I went with the boy from this time last year, because life is strange and people always mean more than you think they will. It was a crazy night with good food and bad dancing. We wound up at a diner at 2:30 in the morning. It was the kind of night you see in the movies. I only remember bits and pieces because I was so happy but so tired. We spent the weekend away where I wound up listening to the ocean in the middle of the night, out in the sand where I couldn't see anything because of the fog.

On a brutally hot and disgusting day in June, I graduated from high school. I don't remember much, honestly. I was sitting next to a kid who was chewing tobacco but was nice enough not to let me step in it in my heels. It started raining as I waited to walk on stage and get my diploma. We spent the night on a boat where it was cold, and I was exhausted. That night was the start to a summer of looking at the stars and eating mozzarella sticks at midnight. It was the beginning of the end of a chapter.

Over the course of 2015, I visited the University of Delaware and made my decision to spend the next four years of my life there. I started school at the end of August. Over the course of the past few months, I've learned how to successfully do laundry at one in the morning, the perfect combination of vegetables on my Subway sandwich when the dining hall closes before I'm done my homework, and how to successfully get eight hours of sleep while living in a glorified youth hostel. I made friends at school and figured out how to keep my ones from home. I grew up a little but not a lot. I'm a freshman in college: it's in my wiring to make mistakes.

I don't know if it was the best year of my life, but it was pretty damn good.

I miss you, but I don't want you back.

I’m heavy with the weight of missing you, my dear,
And I would tell you how but you’re too far away to hear.

 I'm eighteen years old. I graduated last year, knowing all too well that I would not see 90% of my fellow seniors ever again. For the most part, I was fine with it. We grow up, we move on with our lives.

But there are those few people who I know I'll miss. There will be those days when I can't focus on my English paper and wind up staring out the window of my dorm room, absentmindedly thinking about the people who used to mean so much and now are strangers.

I think there are different kinds of missing people. I miss my friends when I'm at college, but I know they're only a phone call away. They'll be ready to get Chickfila at 10pm our first night back. They might be far away, but I can still reach out to them. We've still got each other, and we both know that.

Then, though, there are the people who I lost along the way. There are the ones who used to sit up with me in my basement until 3am and now don't even know where I'm going to college. There are the people who used to ask me for advice about everything going on in their lives and now I don't even know if they still live in that house where we used to watch the stars from the backyard. I miss those people. I miss the friends I lost because of time and growing up. I miss the people I lost track of in the craze of endings and beginnings that took over the past 6 months of my life. I even miss the people who made a voluntary choice to walk out of my life as I held the door open for them.

But I don't want them back. I don't want to clear the air and dust off the memories for round 2. I think we idolize people from our past because it's easy. We don't want to remember the bad parts. There's a reason, though, why people come and go from our lives.

I'm eighteen years old, and I'm not the person I was when I was thirteen or fifteen or seventeen. I'm not the same person I was before I went to college. People grow and change, and we are allowed to decide when someone is no longer healthy for us, no longer supporting us. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. They're just no longer our person. I miss the people I've lost, and I would love to relive those memories, but I wouldn't repeat them now.

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”
 

Friendsgiving.

I think that the holidays put a lot of unnecessary weight on family gatherings.

Don't get me wrong; I love my family. My grandmother's one of the sassiest people I know (think Emily Gilmore from The Gilmore Girls) and my extended relatives are all great. Yet, there's something about having to sit around and force small talk for five hours that just kind of makes you wish things were different.

It's not that I think family gets too much credit; I just think that friends don't get enough. If we're going to be honest, most friendships don't last forever, so I think it's especially important to validate them while they presently exit.

I love my friends with my entire heart. I miss them when I'm at school and cry when I hug them the first night we're back on break. I text them weekly to make sure they're okay. I'm like the overbearing mother you can't decide if you really want. I guess it's true when they say that friends are the family we pick for ourselves, and I love the choices I've made.

College is this crazy time of growing up too quickly and losing track of time between parties and classes and papers and surviving. We forget to text our friends casually and then we're only talking when someone's made out with a boy from our high school and then suddenly, you're not talking at all. You're coming home on break to find out that no one has any clue what half of the group has been up to, because everyone got so swept up in their own lives for the past few months.

It happens, and it's sad.

The whole point of this post is to remind people that we have to hang out with our families. Social standards tell us that, but friends are so often pushed into the background. We've all heard the saying "blood is thicker than water".

In actuality, that saying comes from, "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

It doesn't really matter what is thicker than what, to be honest. What is important, though, is that we remember to spend time with everyone. We need to remember to reach out to people from home while we're gone, people from school while we're home, and family when we're all over.

I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving and a nostalgic Friendsgiving.

This is Halloween, everybody make a scene.

(Gif courtesy of the cinematic masterpiece that is Halloweentown)

So, I spent the first twelve years of my life cycling through some very generic Halloween costumes. I was a witch approximately four times, a hippie, a vampire, and then one year, I just wore an all black ensemble that included a tutu.

In college, though, Halloween makes a comeback. Costumes need to be cute, relevant, a little bit sultry, and practical. It's not easy.

I started the hunt for a costume a few weeks ago and played with a few different ideas. I was going to be a vampire (this time with glue on fangs; fancy stuff), but I couldn't find a decent outfit. My next plan was to be an 80's chick for the sole reason that I like the bright make-up and wanted a reason to wear my neon lipstick. Alas, I didn't have the right clothes and didn't want to spend money on a new sports bra bright enough to fit the part.

So, I was losing stamina. I am a poor college student without a car, and Halloween is a week and a half away. Then, though, I saw something online that sparked an idea. And so I introduce my costume for this year . . . Louise from Bob's Burgers.

She's sarcastic and everything I aspire to be in life. Also, her outfit is super simple. I already have a green dress, and my mom has shipped me white bunny ears that I will turn pink with the help of some felt, so I'm pretty much good to go. I'm super excited for this and can't wait to actually go out.

I hope you all have a fantastic Halloween, and maybe you can make use of my costume choice or even my failed ones. Let me know what you're going as; love you all!!

Things I Am Learning

College is fantastic and fun and bittersweet. College is hard and unexpected and unpredictable. College is everything I ever wanted but nothing I ever would have asked for.

I've been at school for two weeks now, and I feel as if I already know more about college than I did in my first few days here. The things that once seemed daunting and unbearable are now achievable, conquerable. Here's my (unfinished) list of things to know before leaving home and while you're at school!

1. College changes people. For as many new people as you're going to meet, there's still this undeniable urge to call your friends from home and tell them to take the next train to visit you. What you come to realize, though, is that it's not that your friends from home don't love you anymore, but everyone is crafting their new life at their own schools. People are becoming who they always wanted to be, and sometimes, those versions are as unfamiliar as the people you met two days ago during a lecture on anthropology. Change is a part of life, and you either accept it or let go. 
2. Your parents will miss you more than they expected, too. While you're out making friends and diving into this new independent life, your parents are living the same lives they've had for the past however many years. Now, though, they've got one extra bedroom and an empty seat at the dinner table. My dad emailed me about a week after I moved in and said, "I just wanted you to know that I think about you constantly and miss you terribly." Cherish your last summer with your parents; make time for them while you're planning your next chapter. Remember to call your family at least twice a week and more, if you can. You've gone eighteen years seeing these people almost every day; don't become a stranger to the people who raised you.
3. The best moments are the unexpected. It's 1:30 (in the morning) on a Sunday night, but there aren't classes the next day, so half of the floor is in the lounge. Someone brought cookies in while another room offered their milk. Glasses and mugs came in pairs from rooms along the hall. Someone starts playing old songs from when we were all in middle school and for a little bit, people who barely know each other are sharing in this moment of bittersweet nostalgia. Don't dismiss the nights like these, because parties can only last for so long, but a night with this kind of feeling can last for so much longer.
4. Join clubs you actually want to be a part of. I feel like, in high school, clubs were this gateway to college. Everyone wanted to seem well-rounded and cultured. We played sports we didn't love in the hopes of one day getting a scholarship and joined clubs to save the world when we really weren't even sure how to save ourselves. In college, sign up for anything and everything that interests you, but do it for you, not for some chance down the road to tell someone how involved you were during your freshman year. You'll have time to network, but how often will you get to host your own radio show on the campus station?
5. Umbrellas are completely necessary. Don't say you'll buy one once you get to school, because you'll forget and then it'll be pouring for so long that you're convinced Noah's built a second ark. Also, check the weather in the morning, and if there is any chance of rain, just bring the darn umbrella. Better safe than sorry, and as always, better dry than soaking wet. 
6. Don't let the small things that seem big bring you down. You will miss your house and your dog. You'll want to spend the night in your best friend's backyard around a bonfire talking about life. You will miss your younger sister who's starting high school without you there to chaperone her. There will be nights when you just stay in bed and work on homework while everyone else seems to be going out or falling in love or finding out who they're supposed to be. Everything in college seems so big and great and amazing, but everyone is terrified of so much more than they'll ever say. Don't worry about that time you got drunk and told the boy who lives one room over that he was cute. Don't let a public speaking class keep you up at night, because you can't think of a single issue you want to get up there and talk about for five minutes. 
7. Take time for yourself and have fun. Remember to breathe. The things that seem daunting now will be familiar in a few weeks. You'll find your way around campus and make friends that you actually like. Spend nights in, if you want to, and don't feel as if you need to constantly be out and about. Remember to do your homework and wash your clothes and keep your side of the room somewhat presentable. Do things that interest you, and stop wasting time with people or events that don't. 

 Like I said, I've only been here for two weeks. I'm a newbie, fresh meat on campus. That said, I hope I can help some other freshman who's sitting in their dorm room on a Saturday night, because they just really didn't feel like going out. Every day is a new day; make the best out of each one and don't let the bad days get you down.

Love you all!






 

Textbooks, Packing, and Goodbyes

College, in theory, is wonderful. I love the idea of setting up my own room with decorations and picking out the perfect color scheme that doesn't have to match the blue walls that came with my current house eight years ago. I can't wait to go get meals with my roommate or spend our nights in, watching Parks&Rec and eating goldfish.

The truth, though, is that there's a lot before those really fun things. I've been saying goodbye to my friends for a solid two weeks now, and it never gets easier. It's just one heart-wrenching hug after another and the same promise to stay in touch. I know that we're all going on to great things and that we'll be home before we know it for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It still sucks, though. This is the part no one tells you about, because as quickly as it happens, it's over. I know, in a week, I'll be at school and things will be so great. Right now, though, it feels like my heart is collapsing in on itself each time I think about not seeing my friends for three months.

I'll be fine, obviously. We always are.

Between the hugs and crying, I still have to function and move towards this college thing. I have to order textbooks that cost approximately way too much. I've finally packed all of my dorm stuff up into nice containers and finished printing out photos for all of the frames I've painted to cover up the thrift store paint jobs. I'm not sure if I have too much stuff or not enough, but I'm pretty happy with everything I'm taking (which includes a fridge with a mini freezer for UD's campus-made ice cream)

So, college, in actuality, is bittersweet. As excited as I am to go, I still want to stay right here where everything is familiar. In honor of my dorm decor and my fantastic friends, here's the collage I'll be using as decoration for the back of my desk.